To The Mathematicians Who Thought Of The Idea Of Zero

 

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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero.

Thanks for nothing.

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I worked with my dog in the bomb disposal unit.

I was fired after teaching him to play fetch.

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When they train police dogs, why do they always show them attacking people with big rolls of carpet around their arms? 

Just how many carpet stores are getting robbed these days.

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The horse head featured in the Godfather movie was a police horse.

He was working under cover.

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Why do they use police horses for crowd control? 

Shouldn’t they use sheepdogs?

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Must Be a Tuesday (Preview)

 I made another animated short. I am hoping to turn it into a full episode and maybe a series.


If you are able, please leave a "Like" on the video on YouTube. It really helps me gather support. Thank you. 

Detective Baby Solves a Murder

I made another cartoon short. This one is about a detective baby. It is only short, but it shows that my cartoon skills are developing a little more.


Anybody else notice in the video that Pickle Rick makes an appearance (it is hard to see on mobiles). Plus, the classic line, "Kick his ass Sea Bass" is also in there too.

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Detective
Detective who?
I am the one asking questions buddy!

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My girlfriends always seem to be big fans of Scooby Doo.
Whenever we get together, they want to split up to cover more ground.

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Batman knew instantly that cat woman like him... when she brought a dead mouse to his door.

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What if Black Widow was John Wick?



I made this video (above) and uploaded it to YouTube. It has a tiny bit of gun violence, so I put it as an 18+ video.

I took Black Widow to the fair and kept losing her. She was Romanoff the entire time.


Black Widow Funniest Memes and Jokes | Scarlett Johansson - YouTube

Which dangerous killer knows more general knowledge than any other man?
John Wikipedia 


Everyone has a chance - Marvel - black widow - guardians of the ...

Forever In The Friend Zone


She said she liked me lots and lots. She liked me so much that she wished I would marry her sister so she could see me all the time. 

I showed up at her house with chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of whisky. I got a high five. 

When you compliment a women while you are in the friend zone, and she gives out an "Awww." That is the sound of the friend zone prison door creaking shut again after you tried to escape.


I am so deep in the friendzone that I have met her boyfriend's parents.

I knew I was in the friend zone when she sent nudes but didn't bother to clean her bedroom first.


Just remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea...and there is also trash in the sea...lots and lots of trash.



I Was Fired For Getting Schwifty On My Desk



My dog left a deposit in a bank. 
By which I mean, he got Schwifty and took a S**t on the floor.

Before Rick & Morty and Marvel, people used to turn off the show when the credits started.

When Morty stops playing “Roy,” Rick says, “55 years, not bad, but you kinda wasted your thirties though with that whole bird watching phase.
One of the alternate lines from the writing team was, “55 years, not bad, its a shame you wasted 30 years chasing down your daughter’s killer.

There are two retarded Rick characters, one who makes friends with Jerry, and one in the Citadel’s school. Did one of them become that way because he looked into the cursed microscope from the devil’s shop?

Rick gave me a prostate exam. 
He stuck it waaaaaaay up.

In the universes where the Cronenberg problems were solved, was it the Meeseeks who solved it? 

After releasing season 3, the Rick & Morty team said they would delay production of season four by five seconds every time somebody wrote “Pickle Rick” on the Internet. Two years later……

Feminists - Tammy is a strong, independent woman who is working to bring down the male patriarchy.
Man 1 - Who is Tammy? 
Man 2 - The one who sucks bird dick.

What boob size does Morty love?
Awwwww Gs   

Facebook Done Wrong


My dad is such a pessimist that I always borrow money from him, he never expects it back. 

Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do.

If at first you don’t succeed, try skydiving. 

Love my new book on glue, I couldn't put it down. 

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

How to Get More Instagram Followers to Promote Your Website 

Funny Ash Vs Evil Dead Lines



Ash vs Evil Dead (the TV show) is far better than it deserves to be. Here are a few funny lines from the series, but to be honest, seeing them written down is not nearly as funny as hearing the cast say them. 

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Brujo: Come, I'll look inside of you.

Ash: Good, check the old prostate while you're in there?

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Pablo: Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said:

"Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge. If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will."

Kelly: Did you just Yoda quote me?

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Kelly Maxwell : Hey, I’m looking for a friend. He’s, uh, tall, dumb, smells like… bread. Um, oh yeah, chainsaw arm. Probably should’ve, led with that one, but…

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Kelly Maxwell :  We all waste time. Important thing is, when we decide to stop.

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Chet: Dude, there's a chainsaw in my backseat.
Ash: Yeah, that's mine.
Chet: What's it for?
Ash: Um... ice sculpture?
Chet: Oh. And the shotgun?
Ash: Uh, that's mine, too.
Chet: What's that for?
Ash: In case they don't pay for the ice sculpture.

Email Or Bacon - My Car Can't Decide



Young boy seen walking on water
The pond was frozen

Kid makes a shocking discovery
After sticking a fork in a plug socket

Most gullible people do not know there is a spider on their arm

Riot at the monkey ballet
The crowd went ape

Man gives child jigsaw for Christmas
Kid saws off four fingers

I Love Everything About This Game Except...

Funny Steam Review - Loves everything about the game

His girlfriend asked him to be a caveman in the bedroom
So he painted on the walls. 

I saw Jurassic park and wanted to be a Dinosaur.
I saw Captain America and wanted to be a hero.
I saw Twilight and wanted to be Buffy the vampire slayer.

I call my girlfriend Cinderella when she plays soccer.
She is always running away from the ball.

There is no future in archaeology.

God and the devil agreed to a game of football. God had all the best players because all good players go to heaven.
And yet the devil's team still won.
He had all the referees.

Focus, Make A Plan, Break It Into Steps, And Fail Just The Same

An elderly lady in a powered chair who fell in a trench

I used to be indecisive, but now I am not so sure. 

I paid £300 to join the “Make a friend today”
I thought membership would be higher because the salesman said there was one born 

Going to University doesn’t make you smart anymore than going to church makes you a vicar. 

The more people I meet, the more I appreciate loneliness. 

What did we call centipedes before we went metric? 

Spam Advert With Low Expectations

A man in a spam advert holding just forty pounds in notes


I was having a bad day, but then I opened my email to find out Prince Narook of Nigeria has $1.5 million to give me. It was lucky really, I was going to delete that message.

I am going to become an air conditioning repairman. According to my spam emails, there are a lot of hot women in my area.

While looking up spam jokes for this blog post, over 19 websites asked me for my email address.

Does vegan marketing still include spam?

We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect...

It Was Raining Cats and Dogs

A dog has slept in the rain and left a dry mark in his own shape


Take 50 selfies to pick the best one, and then walk around looking like the other 49.

I knew my selfie was ugly when the Image optimization software made it darker.

My girlfriend asked if I would kiss her under the mistletoe.
I said I wouldn’t kiss her under anesthetic.

A day without sunshine is like last night.

The Game Was A Little Disappointing

Funny image of a guy unable to watch a baseball game because of a metal post


It takes more muscles to frown than smile
Is that why overweight people are so jolly?

How do obese people make friends?
No, seriously, I’m getting lonely.

My friend died last night. 
She didn’t reshare a post 15 times on Facebook.

The Constipated Accountant Couldn't Budget

Turtle on a Scateboard being Fast & Furious 7



As one butt cheek said to another, “Together we can stop this crap!”

Life is like toilet paper. Either you are on a roll, or you are taking crap from somebody.

The easiest way to tell if a woman is a natural ginger is to look at her hair. If she has dyed it black, then she is a natural ginger.

What is red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.

Bilbo Baggins had trouble making friends at school. He was one of the shyer kids.

Xander Lookalike Yearbook

A Guy having his school photo taken and looks like Xander from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I knew an astronaut once, but he was fired. It's a shame too--because he was going up in the world.

Black holes are most commonly found in black socks.

A neutrino walks into a bar… and keeps right on going …

The prices were so good, that I stole two.

I put camouflage gear on my cat, now I can’t find him.

You Are Not Fat, You Are Just a Little Husky

Husky comfiting another husky about how he is not fat

I slept like a baby, I wet the bed.

Like I said to the police, if I am not suppose to sleep and drive then why do the seats recline all the way back?

I was so miserable when my girlfriend left, it was almost like she was still here.

Poundland…… Inflation proof???

I spent an hour the other day telling this fat guy I didn’t trust him…..it was my reflection.

My First Kiss

First time kiss, gone wrong


Quiet as a mouse??? Tell that to Walt Disney.

I asked the bank for some money, they said to come back when I don’t need it.

Sign language is very handy.

What do you call a guy named John that nobody talks to?……. Lonely.

I love those PPI phone calls I keep getting. So far I have signed up my ex, my neighbours and my local MP.

They Say Crime Doesn't Pay


They say crime doesn’t pay, but I steal from ATM’s

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Light travels faster than sound right? My light bulb buzzes.

I bought a new boxing game and smashed the screen. It beats the time I bought a darts game.

A Bunny Salad

A tomato shaped like a small bunny or rabbit

Too much minimalism.

I told a psychic that I don’t believe she is genuine, she said, “I know”.

I want to agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I like to fight fire with fire. Is that why the fire department sacked me?