Monday, 20 July 2015

Cats Rule Dogs Drool

My kid brother drew a picture of a cow eating grass. It was a blank piece of paper. I asked him where the grass was, and he said the cow had eaten it. I asked him where the cow was, and he said it had buggered off to find more grass.

What James Bond actor would you like to be?
The horny cat said “Roger Moore”

I told my wife that I would leave her if the dinner wasn’t on the table.
Then I hid the table.

My brother has the heart of a lion.
He was fired from the zoo when they found out.


I stood on the tube this morning.
I crushed my Pringles. 

 My girlfriend said our sex life would improve if I got her pussy wet.

 She also said I should tickle her pussy.

 There is just no pleasing her.

 I asked my dog for some diet tips.
He told me to eat more bark.

Barry - I am going to kill 600 muslims and one kitten.
George - What does the kitten have to do with all of this?
Barry - I told you nobody cares about the Muslims. 

 My girlfriend says I will get a surprise in nine months.
I hope it is a Playstation 4.

 I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning. The cruel man didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.



 Barack Obama moves into the White House.
Surprise, surprise, another black man in government assisted housing.
By the way, this is a joke. As a liberal, Barack Obama is damaging America, but as a bloke he is a 100% diamond. 

Black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice...surprise surprise.

I knew my mother favored my twin brother when she told me to hand out invitations for his surprise party.

 My wife used to be a tiger in the bedroom.
After ten years she is more like Garfield. 

Friday, 12 June 2015

Movie Jokes And TV Giggles

Welcome to Fight Club. How did you hear about us?

The Pirates of the Caribbean movies should have been rated Arrrrrrgh
Though to be honest I rated the last one “Yawn.”

My nan is so old that she cries during Jurassic Park.
She says it brings back memories of her childhood.

I've found the only sex scene in Jurassic Park Lost World.
This is not a joke. For the last time, I am telling you, Lord Of The Rings cannot be racist because the LOTR universe has its own races completely separate to anything we have in our world.

Did the producers of Harry Potter bring out a 3D version just so they could have an audience full of people with glasses on?

Was Edward Scissorhands allowed to run as a child?

Upton Girl, she was living in an Upton world.

Even if Kate Upton put on loads of weight, she would still put the Ass in mASSive.  

 I have been waiting for years for the movie “Constipation” to come out.
It sure is taking a long time.

The Skyfall film's theme was sung by Adele.
In this case the movie starts when the fat lady sings.

Dating Tip - Take her for meals at a restaurant for 8 dates and for the 9th date watch Batman with her. That way it goes dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Thanks for nothing Lord Of The Rings!!!
I spent two hours at a midget wedding the other day, and the little bugger didn’t dissapear when he put on the ring.

Saw - The uncut version
What? Was it blunt? I’m not watching that!!!

My girlfriend works at a theatre and is terrible in the cinema.
She can’t leave without making a scene.
I've just seen Colin Firth in “The King's Speech.”
Why did they give him an academy award? He could hardly remember his lines.

This is my favorite line in the Simpsons, for the episode Specs and the City.

 I hate when people speak on the phone in the cinema.
It always puts me off my singing.

People complain about gaming lag with online gaming.
How do you think the people in the Matrix felt.

In Thor 1 they fight ice people.
The name of the movie was quite apt if you ask me.

My girlfriend looked through my DVDs and asked me what Fight Club was all about. I couldn’t tell her.


 Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies

Alien vs. Predator was a great idea.
I can’t wait for Blade vs. Twilight

What about Willy Wonka vs. Saw, where Willy puts razor blades in five of his chocolate bars.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Dumb Funnies For A Rainy Day

Yo momma's so poor she can't afford to pay attention

If somebody asks if you are ticklish, they are going to touch you no matter what you say. So, tell them you have diarrhea.

 I like cleaning glass, but I couldn’t see myself cleaning mirrors

Your essay on your dog is exactly the same as your brother’s essay. Did you copy him? 

No, its the same dog.

I would be too nervous to have a tattoo
I’m so ticklish, he would smudge it

A definition of irony is the fact that common sense isn’t that common.

A criminal stole a calendar
The judge gave him 12 months

Hey kids, here is an example of an oxymoron
“Common Sense”

Yo momma's so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk

Question - What do you call a kid with a short leg, weight problem and an eye patch?
Answer - Names

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