Tuesday, 13 January 2015

20 x One Liners

Too much minimalism.

I told a psychic that I don’t believe she is genuine, she said, “I know”.
I want to agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I like to fight fire with fire. Is that why the fire department sacked me?
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you have already told her twice.
God loves idiots, look in the mirror.
They say crime doesn’t pay, but I steal from ATM’s!!!
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
If you believe in telekinesis then……. Hey stop pulling that.
False advertising = Press the Hash key on your phone……None turns up.
Light travels faster than sound right? My light bulb buzzes.
My date said to stop staring at her chest, I said I was distracted by her shirt, so she took it off, problem solved.
I saw the evil dead yesterday, my mother in law visited.
I asked my girlfriend if she fakes her orgasms, she said no, noo, noooo, oh my god, noooooo…..aaaahh.
I bought a new boxing game and smashed the screen. It beats the time I bought a darts game.
There is no “I” in team, but there is a “U” in Fuck Off.
Quiet as a mouse??? Tell that to Walt Disney.
My girlfriend wanted a sex toy, so I bought her a slinky and kicked her down the stairs.
I asked the bank for some money, they said to come back when I don’t need it.


  1. My girlfriend wants me to go and see a therapist about my compulsive lying, but I am just too busy with my work for the government to find the time.

  2. Replies
    1. Roses Are Red
      My Blood Is Too
      I’ve Got Hep C
      And I’ve Given It You

  3. I yawned at a deaf person and she thought I was shouting.

  4. What do you call a writer that writes about vampires with magical powers that twinkle in the sunlight?…… A shit fucking writer.

    What do you call a guy named John that nobody talks to?……. Lonely.

    I love those PPI phone calls I keep getting. So far I have signed up my ex, my neighbours and my local MP.

    1. I just let the PPI phone calls talk and run on. It's their phone bill after all, so I don't see the point in hanging up and saving them money. If its a real person they can listen to whatever is playing on my PC at the time.

  5. My partner asked for food and lots of it, so I gave her 200 grains of rice.

    1. Should we be protesting the massive bonuses they get at food banks? They did cause the global economic apple turnover.

  6. I'm not saying I drink a lot, but on my 30th Birthday they only put 15 candles on my cake and I never noticed.

  7. I have a picture of me with REM.
    That’s me in the corner.


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