Monday, 26 January 2015

24 x One Liner Gags

Women are bad in bed, Men are bad in bed…’s not a joke, but I am sick of hearing the punchline.

A day without sunshine is like last night.

I used to be indecisive, but now I am not so sure.

Going to University doesn’t make you smart anymore than going to church makes you a vicar.

The more people I meet, the more I appreciate loneliness.

I drank some lighter fluid to cure my clap, but it still burns when I pee.

What did we call centipedes before we went metric?

Venison’s deer isn’t it (Jimmy Carr)

Winning isn’t everything, that’s why I don’t keep score.

My dad is such a pessimist that I always borrow money from him, he never expects it back.

My girlfriend sure cannot hit hard, but she sure hurts my feelings.

I’m going to live forever. So far to good.

Apparently my best contraceptive is my face.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If your woman calls sex a pain in the ass, then lube it up first.

If at first you don’t succeed, try skydiving.

Virginity is like a blister, one painful prick and it’s gone.

I asked for a big nob for Christmas, so Santa sent round Jeremy Clarskson.

Love my new book on glue, I couldn't put it down.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

My ex said go to hell…………so I got back with her.

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

My mom is like my best friend, I just stole her husband.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. (Family Guy)


  1. If I took a dump in an elevator, I could take this shit to a whole new level.

  2. Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do.


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