Saturday, 28 February 2015

Babysitter Reasons To Giggle

I spent all last night babysitting for a 13-year old. 
Her 3 year old baby was as good as gold.

I was hoping for a flexible babysitter. 
The last one would only do the missionary.

There is a new babysitter that has moved onto our street.
Now I just need to find some kids.

 I told my girlfriend to hire a babysitter, so she bought a cat.

Babysitting like a pro.

My new babysitter is obsessed with the Gladiator. 
I’m sure the kids will be alright.

Monday, 23 February 2015

Funny And Unfortunate College Yearbook Photos

Funny college and High school stuff makes me giggle. I never expect funny stuff from people in these situations. When I was at school we were so beaten down that we didn't have time to be funny. College wasn't so bad, except for the adverts they had for illiteracy in the college newspaper. What illiterate person reads a newspaper?

I pulled this from an episode of Buffy. 
I had to freeze it and zoom in to find it.
In class they had lessons on how to tie shoelaces, and she turned up in slip-ons. She said, “I never apologize to anyone, I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.” She told her teacher not to look at her in that tone of voice.
He asked if horses go lame because they forget how to be cool. 
He told the teacher his dad was as tall as a 5-foot 8-inch tree.
Feed people a good curry and she will get lots of visits. If she gave you a penny for her thoughts, I wonder if you would get change.
Hahahaha (nuff said)
I bet a large portion of my readers do not get her joke.
Isn't that exactly what a terrorist would say?
He used to cover his test up during exams when the teacher walked by, just in case the teacher tried to copy his answers.
He said his sister walks like a centipede if it had two legs.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Clever Jokes For What With Book Reader People And Persons

 How do you get a noble gas to react?
Steal its girlfriend

Can a vegetarian vampire be killed with a steak to the heart?

I yawned at a deaf girl and she slapped me for shouting at her.

People like you hate condescending jokes.

I think therefore I am” is a true quote. I asked a friend if he would vote Labour in the election, and he said, “I think not” and disappeared.

I thought my brain was my most important organ, but then it would say that wouldn’t it.

Why are pizza jokes so cheesy?

Why is it so difficult to come up with jokes about rhetorical questions?

What do you get if you cross an ignorant person with an apathetic one?
Don’t know, don’t care.

Urine trouble if you get a bladder infection.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Creosote nipples
Photons don’t need luggage if they travel light.

Is Atheism the only non-profit organization?

I heard oxygen and magnesium had a baby.
I was all like OMg

Knock Knock
Who’s There
……..Long Pause
Internet Explorer 11

How many people do not read questions correctly?

I had to get a degree in economics to understand why I was unemployed.

If your glass is half empty, then use a smaller glass.

I told an uptight Kleptomaniac to stop taking things literally.

Do ninja’s wear sneakers?

Lots of unemployed jokes don’t work.

For the 3rd year in a row the Tokyo ninja parade slips by unnoticed.

My mum said I should get a tank for my fish. The people at the army base were not impressed when I took one.

Is premature ejaculation a problem that comes out of nowhere?

The barman then told us he doesn’t serve time travelers in his bar. Anyway, we a walked into a bar and the barman told he doesn’t serve time travelers. Anyway, we….

Somebody ask a psychic if a midget can be a medium.

A Freudian slip is when you are trying to say one thing but the thing that is on your mind slips boobies.

I think my motorbike was two tyred to stand alone.

Wind Farms are loved by many…..they have a lot of fans.

If I was an alien and wanted to attack earth, I would have to planet first.

Is the Chaos theory true?
Its probable.

A guy crushed by books only has his shelf to blame.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

17 Of The Greatest School & Yearbook Pictures

I think my math teacher wants me to be a therapist when I am older. She keeps asking me to solve her problems. If my teacher is so upset that I was not paying attention, then why did she still get angry when I got the answer right?

I think my teacher is pretty dumb, she keeps asking all of her students for the answers. They said we should come to school in our pajamas for charity and everybody got upset when I did it. Is it my fault I sleep in the nude?

When a teacher tells you to read pages for your homework, they may as well say, “No homework tonight.” I was happy with my Math teacher “Sir Cumference,” but I never saw my English teacher “Wanda Off.”

Where do you learn to greet people?
Hi School.

 She looks so sweet, who would have thought she was so rude.
I bet a lot of people are glad to see the back of her.

Big girls need love too.
This guy is as smooth as a horses ear. I bet he could charm the seeds out of a budgies mouth.

At least the kid on the far right is honest because as the song says, if he likes big butts then he cannot lie.

This photo goes in my blog because it harks back to a time when this was considered innocent and the teacher wasn’t afraid to the photo for fear of being called a pervert. 

Which Ho do you like again?

F. You And Ya Muvva Too

 He he he, his shirt.

 If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport. 
I love how subtly horrible this kid is actually being. 

 Some girls want it all, and some are just plain stubborn.

They say the greatest inspiration is a deadline, I think this kid just got a little confused.

The dog ate my homework so often that he graduated instead of me. 

 She was married to Moe Lester.

Seems like a nice guy. 

Somewhere there is a grandma that still hopes he is straight and that this is just a phase to get back at his dad.

If you can’t laugh at this, then you need help.

He never had a girlfriend. Maybe he set his expectations too high when he entered the St. Mary’s Boys School.

Wow, a woman scorned or what!

On a personal note, I have not earned very much from people clicking adverts on my blog, but I appreaciate all the people that click my G+ buttons. It is nice to know that at least people are looking at my posts. It kinda makes it all worth while.

Monday, 9 February 2015

49 x Funny Fat Jokes + A Bit Of Advice

If you are a fat person and people pick on you, then the best thing you can do is act as if it doesn’t bother you at all. Smile as they poke fun at your weight and only half-listen to what they are saying. Pretend in your mind that they are saying it about other people.

Part of the fun of bullying people is making them feel bad, so do not give them the pleasure of seeing you look sad. Smile as if you have heard their jokes before and they are getting old. Here are quite a few fat jokes. Learn them and get used to them because the more you read and hear something then the less impact it has on you.

At the end of this post there are a few comments you can say back to people if you want. If you are fat, then people are going to make fun of you and laugh at you. It gives you three choices:
1 - you can live with it
2 - lose the weight
3 - let it upset you.

I suggest you try both options one.

Here Are Some Funny Fat Jokes For A Bit Of A Giggle

She’s so fat that when she lays in the bath, even the water in the toilet rises.

(Seems Legit)

Here’s an exercise to help you lose weight. Shake your head from one side to the other from left to right in a gentle motion. Now, do that every time someone offers you food.

What do fat people get on Valentines day?......Depressed.

I know you beat anorexia, but now you are just showing off

What do you call a chronic eater?  Anita

Walk on the grass, I don’t want you leaving footprints on the concrete

I said to the fat shopkeeper, “Give me a Kit Kat chunky” and he hit me

He’s so fat that when he falls down the stairs it sounds like the end of Eastenders.

A fat woman waited in the queue, she got to the front and the teller said, “Sorry for the wait.” And the guy behind the fat woman pointed at the fat woman and said, “Yeah, she should be.”

I would waste your time and make a fat joke, but I know you have a lot on your plate

She’s so fat she dresses in a miniskirt so she can be a man eater.

I knew she would have a good time with me when she saw the size of my…..fridge

I’ve just had a baby, it was delicious.

This Guy Has Fat Burning All Wrong

The last time I stole a fat kid’s dinner money....I bought a car.

He’s so fat he’s even a heavy sleeper

How do I get my wife to jog besides the car so she loses weight? Trap her scarf in your car door.

Over 20% of women are overweight. Those are some shocking figures.

We got into bed, cut her out of her shirt, and climbed on top and my ears popped.

I slept with a bunch of fat women last week. I was on a roll. Actually, I was on a few of them.

She complains that the good guys are taken, that men are jerks, that hot guys are gay, when will she just admit that she’s fat?

His blood type is lard.

He walked over to the fat woman on the dance floor and said, “Hey, so you fancy going somewhere quieter……on your own?”

You are so fat that your favorite instrument is the dinner bell.

I’ve been picking up fat chicks for years, I own my own crane.

Mr Chef Bungle CockSparrow told me to try his new cookies. “I’m open to criticism,” he said. I replied, “They are pretty good you fat twat.”

What’s the difference between a lesbian in a porn movie and one in real life? About 10 stone.

They took a zero tolerance on bullying at my school and obesity in the school has gone up 200%. You do the math!

I asked my boyfriend to dress up for me. Apparently he didn’t like my suggestion that he dress up as a thinner bloke.

Her online advert said she was curvy, bubbly, voluptuous and cuddly. Turned out she was just fat.

What do you say to a fat guy?……. No.

When your underpants are around your ankles, is your ass still in them?

Somewhere A Fat Kid Has Had A Bad Day

We broke up for different reasons. I wanted a career, I wanted kids and I wanted to travel the world. He wanted to be fat.

Why shouldn’t you shag a fat bloke? What, you need a second reason?

Inside every fat woman is a thin one trying to get out…..those fat buggers will eat anything.

What do fat old people do in the summer?…………Smell.

I learned, after being arrested, and to my distress, that fat fighters is not a fight club.

Why is it that fat people want a cure for obesity, but they want it after dinner?

Dawn French really surprised me. I usually laugh at fat people.

Some say you shouldn’t have sex with fat women, but they cook a smashing breakfast in the morning.

Ben and Jerry’s is the only threesome she has ever had

I’m not saying she’s fat, I’m just saying she’s the reason they invented landscape photo sizes.

Some fat kids grow up to be really strong, so keep your chins up

My fat boyfriend keeps walking into things……McDonalds

If you see a guy getting her drinks, it is probably the barman.

A fat man contracted a flesh eating virus. Doctors only gave him 22 years to live.

Replies For If Someone Picks On You For Being Fat

Bully - You Are Fat
You - Tell me about it….the last time I looked in the mirror I saw you.

Bully - I need a forklift to move your fat ass.
You - Whatever! You are Fatter. Obesity is the only thing that runs in your family.

Bully - You’re so fat and lazy you won’t even run a bath
You - I’m fat and you’re ugly, but one day I will be thin and you will always be ugly

Bully - Didn’t you forget to go to the gym for the last ten years
You - Didn’t you forget to brush your teeth all your life!

Monday, 2 February 2015

In The World Of The Dumb, The Fool Is King

I told my girlfriend I like Eminem, and she said she only likes the chocolate kind. So I bought her some M&Ms and she tried to put them in alphabetical order. She sent a lot of them back to the shop for having Ws written on them.

I caught her cutting open a pineapple to look for Spongebob. She went to the dentist to get her Blutooth fixed. I told my girlfriend that she doesn’t need concert tickets for Xbox Live.

I caught her racing a bulb down the stairs because the doctor told her she needs light exercise. She asked if we could go for a picnic in Tiger Woods.

She bought a Smartphone and could not get it out of the box. She is the only woman I know to have ever failed an IQ test. I asked my girlfriend, “Do you know you are dumb?” She said, “I kinda figured I was, after all, look who I am dating.”

Pingu does not talk in Russian. He talks in Penguinese.
Seriously, the rumors that he talks Russian were an internet joke that went too far.
(like the childhood inoculations thing)

Question: What is the first thing you would do if you had this bag right now?
Answer: I would use it to carry my shopping home. 

Is this how strip clubs work? I'm more concerned about the sticky money! I don’t want my money sticking to my sleeve when I go to the shops for a bag of carrots.

Apparently, you can get petrol in hell, and hotdogs, and….urm….barbeque sets.
What’s that all about?

 Nothing ever works out for me either

SHE'S A GHOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Question: What do you call a young man that never lies to women?
Answer: A virgin

You know what is sad? 
The arrow had to be added in because most men couldn’t see what was funny about the picture. 
They were too busy looking at her golden globes.

I Love Buffy.

Who wrote this comic?
It is everywhere, and we need to pat the creator on the back.

50 shades of green

It's the comments that should get the gold.

Hmmm, There is something supernatural going on here

Those sneaky Chinese. 
I could make a Chinese joke right now, but that would just be Razy Lacism.

Some people say that this sofa thing is stupid, but you will be surprised what lengths you will go to when you don't have the money to do it the right way.

This is genuinely dumb. She is dumb because she clearly thinks this is a way to be sexy. This is the sort of girl that calls you to ask you your phone number.

Look closely, and you can see it is the baby's foot

The mind boggles. Who is standing in front of who?
The truth is that the black guy is wearing two-toned shorts that look as if they are part of the man behind.

Looks like his dingle dangle does it.
It is actaully the foot of the woman sitting on the wall behind him.

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