Monday, 30 March 2015

T-Rex Finds New Girlfriend Because His Ex-Stinked

Who is Sarah Topps?

Knowing that hot women attend museums, I asked the museum curator for a horny beast.
He said, “Try Sarah Topps”

My gun runner is called T-Rex…Is that because he is a small arms dealer.

David Attenborough who played John Hammond died in 2014
His funeral was fantastic.
They spared no expense.

Fossils prove that dinosaurs lived underground.

There is no future in archeology.

I’m not saying the cafĂ© had out-of-date sausages, but on the menu they were called Jurassic Pork.

I saw Jurassic park and wanted to be a Dinosaur.
I saw Captain America and wanted to be a true hero.
I saw Twilight and wanted to be Buffy the vampire slayer.

Dinosaurs hunted in packs.
So do I when I buy a bag of Walkers because there is nothing in them. 

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Drunk, Dumb and Dirty….A Perfect Combination

Worry not young ones. The jokes on here are not too dirty and there are no rude images. You can read these over your grandma's shoulder without blushing. Here are a few rib ticklers about being drunk, being dumb or being rude/dirty. 

My girlfriend thought it would be sexy if I dressed as a doctor.
She wasn’t too impressed when I removed her appendix.

What do a rabbit and an apple have in common?
They both have big ears…except for the apple

My girlfriend wanted us to act like a proper couple.
So I got drunk and started an argument.

When I was drunk last night I kissed my boss.
It is no fun being self employed.

Jenny: You are drunk
Samuel: No I’m not
Jenny: You can’t even tell the time
So Samuel walked up to a clock and said to it, “I’m not drunk.”

The library doesn’t stock books on suicide.
People don’t bring them back.

She complains when I come home drunk, so I stopped coming home.

My girlfriend has videos of her undressing on porn sites.
She was horrified when she found out I posted them there.

My friend was so drunk he couldn’t walk home.
Turns out he left his wheelchair at the pub.

 I shaved off my friend’s eyebrows whilst he was asleep drunk.
I must say, he didn’t look surprised.

Sandra: My sister said you had drunk sex with her last night. Was she lying?
Barry: Yes…she was in a sitting position.

If drinking was an illness, they would let you call into work drunk.

As the blind bull said, “I have never had an eye for darts.”

I must have been drunk as a child.
Everybody remembers what I did, but I don’t.

My deaf friend was so drunk he started to slur his hands.

My girlfriend only wants sex when she’s drunk
Pity its not with me.

Since this one was so popular when I shared it on Google+, I have added it here. 

Saturday, 14 March 2015

Selfie and Twerking Added To Dictionary…Hope is Removed

Selfies are pretty annoying. Whoever invented the selfie needs to take a good look at themselves. I wanted to be a selfie-photographer, but I just couldn’t picture myself doing it.

Your dog is your best friend. Lock your dog and your boyfriend in the kitchen for three hours and see which one is glad to see you when you get home.

Her boyfriend asked her for some sexy photos. She was very upset to find out he didn’t want them of her.

She stinks so bad that even the tide won’t take her out. She’s got a face like a blind joiners thumb and an attitude to match.
A radical-Muslim walks into a bar…….boom. 

I called her self-centered. She nearly fell off her throne. She’s so racist she won’t even get a tan.
These ladies put an energy saving bulb in their fridge. Fat girls do try harder…just not in the gym. What do obese people do in the summer?…stink.

She said “The People Don't Elect U.S. Presidents, God Does.” Or was that Sarah Palin? If god elects people, then why do we bother voting at all?

This is the same Santa that was arrested for handing a woman her shirt. He was in her wardrobe at the time.

 If you want to thrill the guys. Take a shot of you without showing your face, show your messy bedroom and get your kid in the shot. Win!

 This kid in the other car is cool.

I’m calling my new band, “Missing Cat.” You may have seen my posters.

 Does my butt look big in this?
Not in the distance it doesn't.

Thursday, 5 March 2015

19 Fake And Funny News Updates

Young boy seen walking on water
The pond was frozen

Kid makes a shocking discovery

 Most gullible people do not know there is a spider on their arm

 Baby Controversy!!!

Riot at the monkey ballet
The crowd went ape

Man takes movies literally

Man gives child jigsaw for Christmas
Kid saws off four fingers

Peter Griffin Saves You Eight Hours

Korean husband’s surprise meal ruined
His wife let the cat out of the bag

Those online adverts must be right

Paranoid schizophrenics are put under surveillance

 Russia negotiates new peace treaty

 Is it really about understanding self harm
Or, about how good looking boy is?

 Guy in Cosplay outfit keeps squeezing young ladies bottoms
 Police are looking for a sexual predator

 Kid finds test easy
She got all the answers wrong

I took the shell off my snail to make it faster
 It just made him more sluggish

Man comes home to find his suitcases on the lawn
Wife has planned a surprise holiday

Tupac Shakur is still doing movies


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