Monday, 13 April 2015

45 x Reasons To Giggle

A young boy was smiling as his mother saw the destruction he had caused.
He was smiling because he has thought of somebody to blame.

Say what you want about deaf people, but…

You’ll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags. (Karen Walker from Will & Grace)

His mother called him a son-of-a-bitch.

Clones are people two.

Elect Hillary Clinton, I want to see who she cheats with.  

I’m so ugly, even hookers tell me they have a headache.

A kid was locked into a bathroom alone.
He called the pizza guy because he knew he would get there faster than the police.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves
I cry myself to sleep every night.
Somebody put onions in my pillow.

Some mornings I wake up bitchy, and other mornings I let her sleep. 

I am like a bra to my hottest freinds...Im always on hand to give support

I am worried about going senile, just like I was tomorrow.

Most students are Liberal.
Until they are mugged or lose their job.
Even my broke vacuum cleaner works.
It is my attic gathering dust.

What's yellow and has wheels?
I lied about the wheels…Oh wait, I get it.  

I had a cheap circumcision.
It was a right rip off.

All generalizations are false.

I made funny gravy out of a laughing stock.

Would a blind skunk fall in love with a fart?

Lend money to people you can’t stand.
You won’t see them again.

Why do they only put the sign language shows in the middle of the night and morning? Do deaf people not sleep? It’s not like they are up all night complaining about the noise.

My deaf boyfriend talks in his sleep.
He nearly took my eye out.

 I don’t pay my bills sometimes, just so I get some mail.

Tomorrow I will be spontaneous.

"Who's there?"

I wanted to be superior in my own field.
So I became a farmer.

My dog can’t dance.
He has two left feet.

If I am not supposed to eat cows, then why are they made of beef?

How can you trust that your kids won’t kick you when you are down, when you are prepared to kick you from the inside.

Students don’t want prayers in school.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

My girlfriend wanted a great pair of knockers.
I don’t know why. We have a doorbell.

I’m not saying I was an ugly baby, but my mum had morning sickness after I was born.

A three year old boy was arrested during nap time for resisting a rest.

A genuine tip from me
Everybody gets bullied in school. Use the experience to learn how to deal with bullies, to change your approach and to learn how not to attract them. Eventually school will be over and you can be what you want and who you want. You can learn from horrible experiences or you can let them destroy you. You can learn more at school than the teachers are teaching you.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

25 Reasons To Giggle

I think my schoolteachers were flirting with me during my exams.
They used to put little kisses next to my answers.

My girlfriend says I kiss like a Jack Russell.
Its the last time I let her look after rusty.

It takes more muscles to frown than smile
Is that why fat people are so jolly?

My blind date took elocution lessons, did her hair, bought a new outfit and took a comedy course. Turns out she was fat.

How do obese people make friends?
No, seriously, I’m getting lonely.

If I started making porn movies…do you think I could make it big?  (Giggity)

I watched 300 on the Internet last night
It’s the weirdest porno I have ever seen.

Bilbo Baggins had trouble making friends at school.
He was one of the shyer kids.

I put a pin through my best friend’s condom in his wallet, and my wife got pregnant.

My friend died last night.
She didn’t reshare a post 15 times on Google+.

Why don’t ladies toilets install photo booths and be done with it?

Take 50 selfies to pick the best one, and then walk around looking like the other 49.

I knew my selfie was ugly when the Image optimization software made it darker.

I ordered a book on eBay called “Use eBay to scam people.”
The seller closed his account before sending it.

I called the “Scammed Victims Hotline” at £17.50 per minute.

I paid £300 to join the “Make a friend today”
I thought membership would be higher because the salesman said there was one born every minute.

The prince kissed Sleeping Beauty back to life.
It didn’t go down too well when I trawled the coma wards.

Treat your woman like a fighter plane.
Get inside her five times per day and take her to heaven and back.

My girlfriend asked if I would kiss her under the mistletoe.
I said I wouldn’t kiss her under anesthetic.

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