Monday, 20 July 2015

Cats Rule Dogs Drool

My kid brother drew a picture of a cow eating grass. It was a blank piece of paper. I asked him where the grass was, and he said the cow had eaten it. I asked him where the cow was, and he said it had buggered off to find more grass.

What James Bond actor would you like to be?
The horny cat said “Roger Moore”

I told my wife that I would leave her if the dinner wasn’t on the table.
Then I hid the table.

My brother has the heart of a lion.
He was fired from the zoo when they found out.


I stood on the tube this morning.
I crushed my Pringles. 

 My girlfriend said our sex life would improve if I got her pussy wet.

 She also said I should tickle her pussy.

 There is just no pleasing her.

 I asked my dog for some diet tips.
He told me to eat more bark.

Barry - I am going to kill 600 muslims and one kitten.
George - What does the kitten have to do with all of this?
Barry - I told you nobody cares about the Muslims. 

 My girlfriend says I will get a surprise in nine months.
I hope it is a Playstation 4.

 I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning. The cruel man didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.



 Barack Obama moves into the White House.
Surprise, surprise, another black man in government assisted housing.
By the way, this is a joke. As a liberal, Barack Obama is damaging America, but as a bloke he is a 100% diamond. 

Black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice...surprise surprise.

I knew my mother favored my twin brother when she told me to hand out invitations for his surprise party.

 My wife used to be a tiger in the bedroom.
After ten years she is more like Garfield. 

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