Thursday, 16 June 2016

Soccer Jokes And Funny Pictures

He said "Get Off"
Not "Get Em Off"

This guy wouldn't know a yellow card if it was under his nose.

My girlfriend wears a goalie’s jersey so I will marry her.
She keeps telling me she is a keeper. 

My soccer ball is always touching my girlfriend up. 
I think he gets a kick out of it.

I call my girlfriend Cinderella when she plays soccer.
She is always running away from the ball.

A bad soccer team is like an old bra.
It only has old cups, and has very little support. 

Always take investment advice from a soccer player. 
They are good at using their heads.

Teach a player about knots, and maybe the score will tie.

 Watching Greece play in the Euro is always funny. 
Every time the ref flips a goes missing.

Vodaphone is sponsoring the Spanish team.
EA is sponsoring the French team. 
Germany is sponsoring the Greek.

 Soccer players spend so much time spitting on the pitch, and then when they are fouled, they go and roll in it for five minutes.

It was his birthday the other day. 
I sent him a red card.

 She is afraid of domestic violence, so she only dates football players from losing teams. 
They don't beat anyone.

I like the picture above because Rooney’s face is so innocent and dumb that it really looks like he would fall for the pool joke. I had quite a few captions for the picture above, so here are a couple that didn’t make the cut.

Alt Caption - Manager Tells Rooney To Take A Dive

Alt Caption - Rooney Leaps In To Give Downed Player A Big Hug

 God and the devil agreed to a game of football. God had all the best players because all good players go to heaven.
And yet the devil's team still won.
The devil had all the refs.

A referee arrived in heaven. Saint Peter asked if he had ever done anything brave. The ref told him that he gave a penalty against a mobster-owned team. Saint Peter asked, "When was this?" To which the referee replied, "About 3 minutes ago."

Before my last joke, I would like to give a shout out to Their free statistics-tipping tool gave me the soccer results for England vs. Wales today in the Euro 2016. I was a bit dubious because the statistics tool said England would win, and yet England were losing during the first half, but I placed the bet and won £88 when England scored the winning goal during the 91st minute. 

Ronaldo changes a light bulb by holding the bulb in the light socket.
He must think the world revolves around him.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Terrible Dating Advice - A Reason To Giggle

Spice up your first date by wearing angel wings and refusing to talk about it. If a woman accuses you of using her for sex, then tell her you intend to use her as a human shield. 

Tip 1 - Here is a great line for your online dating profile

“I wanna be your favourite hello and hardest goodbye”
With a dating profile line like that, even this guy could get a date.

Tip 2 - Try to be cute

If you are a guy, there is nothing wrong with trying to be cute. Dress up in a bunny costume and burn your name into her lawn. Or, if you have a little cash, hire three men to kidnap her, and then rescue her with your Batman costume on.

Tip 3 - Here is another dating profile line that may work for you

Looks Fade, But Memories Last Forever

Here is a picture of a family making memories:

If the term “Looks Fade” is true, then how come people that are really ugly do not get better looking as they age. Aren’t their ugly looks fading?

Tip 4 - Do you want more hugs?

Learn the Heimlich maneuver
Remember, it is always fun to have two guys fight over you…unless the ugly one is winning.

Most men like to think they are single by choice. 
The trouble it, it isn’t “their” choice.

Tip 5 - Always try to be romantic

I am so bad at dating that I tried romancing homeless people…and I still couldn’t get them to stay over. 

I’ve been on so many blind dates that the state gave me a free dog. 

My sister dated a guy that was so bald that she could see what he was thinking.

Okay, I admit it, I put that joke in because I wanted to include the sexy lady in my blog post. I am working on getting a life, I promise.

Tip 5 - Here is what you write on your dating profile

I'm "ambitious" - I plan on taking over the world.
I'm "kind" - I once gave a homeless person a photograph of a sandwich
I'm "independent" - I wrote this all by myself
I'm also "energetic" - I used to have energetic sex with fairground workers because every time I screamed she went faster

Men only have two emotions = Horny and Hungry.
If he has an erection, make him a sandwich.

Tip 6 - If sex is your intention, then just be up front about it

When you meet on your first date, allow a condom to fall out of your wallet or purse. Maybe try letting seven or eight fall out, just to be sure he or she sees that you are in demand.

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