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I think you know you are getting old when you are the same height as your grandmother.
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I knew I was getting old when my knees buckled before my belt.
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I knew I was getting old when the only number in my phone book was my doctors.
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I knew I was getting old when I dialed a number and my finger got tired.
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My father said that if I give him £100, he will sell me his St Christopher coin that brings luck to travelers.
Turns out he needed it, cos I told him to go take a hike.
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I asked the chemist for a cure for hiccups.
He threw water in my face.
Do you still have hiccups he said?
No, said I. But, my wife still has them, she is sat in the car outside.
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The other day I saw a homeless wine-o with some grapes.
I said, “What’s up, can’t you wait?”
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I think my mechanic is a little dumb.
I took my car in. It had no windows, only one tire, and the door was missing.
I asked him what was wrong with my car.
He said it was a funny color.
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I was in a plane going to New York, and the guy sat next to me in the seat asked where I was going.
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I was lost in New York. I found my hotel, and a woman stopped me by the lifts. She said, “Are these the ones that go up.” I said, “No, they only go side to side.” So she took the stairs.