Chubby Brown Jokes Cleaned Up
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I think you know you are getting old when you are the same height as your grandmother.
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I knew I was getting old when my knees buckled before my belt.
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I knew I was getting old when the only number in my phone book was my doctors.
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I knew I was getting old when I dialed a number and my finger got tired.
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My father said that if I give him £100, he will sell me his St Christopher coin that brings luck to travelers.
Turns out he needed it, cos I told him to go take a hike.
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I asked the chemist for a cure for hiccups.
He threw water in my face.
Do you still have hiccups he said?
No, said I. But, my wife still has them, she is sat in the car outside.
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The other day I saw a homeless wine-o with some grapes.
I said, “What’s up, can’t you wait?”
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I think my mechanic is a little dumb.
I took my car in. It had no windows, only one tire, and the door was missing.
I asked him what was wrong with my car.
He said it was a funny color.
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I was in a plane going to New York, and the guy sat next to me in the seat asked where I was going.
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I was lost in New York. I found my hotel, and a woman stopped me by the lifts. She said, “Are these the ones that go up.” I said, “No, they only go side to side.” So she took the stairs.
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8 Romance Films Your Boyfriend Will Hate
You know what’s so insidious about these movies, it is the fact that they do not instantly appear as if they may suck. A guy of reasonable sense can look at a poster for “High School Musical” or something like whether he will or will not like the movie. But, throw up a poster full of explosions and heroes in Pearl Harbor and the suckered in to watching what is actually an extended romance movie. Here are some of the worse and most insidious romance movies that men and your boyfriends are going to hate.
1 - Star Wars Attack Of The Clones - Stalking gets the girl (apparently)
Could this romance be any more forced and any more creepy? It is the most creepy example of how NOT to get a girl. It has absolutely no connection with real life at all. She would have filed a restraining order against Anakin, or had him killed by one of her goons if she had any sense.
2 - Forest Gump - Is it romantic to chase a woman for a full film?
Having a man chase you through an entire movie is not romantic! Jenny constantly dumps him through his entire life until she finally decides to hump him when she has HIV. She then gives him the a baby and dies like an inconvenient fart in a vicarage.
3 - Pearl Harbor - This bombed in the eyes of every man
It is supposed to be a movie about an epic battle where the Americans got it in the tail pipe, and yet all they do it romantic mush that is so far outside the realms of reality that a Harry Potter movie is more plausible.
4 - Bedazzled - Liz Hurley teases but never crosses a line?
This movie is so frustrating as we sit around being teased with the prospect of something sexy and it never happens. Liz throws on a different outfit for almost every scene, and she looks hot in every one, but it teases and it teases and yet never gives us anything to get excited about.
5 - Ghost - There are so many holes in this movie that the Patrick Swayze demanded half a million before he would be seen dead in it
The romantic mush is bad enough, but there are ghostly bits that may interest men. At least they do until the story just gets weird and really dumb. There are so many plot holes in this movie you could spend the entire run time going, “But couldn’t he…”, “But wouldn’t he…”, “But how come…”
6 - Titanic - WTF does love have to do with a big boat? Did somebody challenge the entire boat to an ice bucket challenge?
It is a romance story to the point where a big sinking boat seems incidental, but don’t expect any guy to want to sit through this mush. The couple are too nice, too clean, and the woman is not nearly sexy enough to make the movie interesting. Make it Angelina Jolie with a knife between her teeth and then you got a movie!
7 - Pretty Woman - Let’s make a romance movie about a guy buying a woman
At the end of the day he paid for her to be in his life and he pays for her every day after they meet. Would this have been a romance story if the guy was living in a trailer?
8 - Anything Twilight - All men think they suck!
This is not romance and it is not healthy for young women. Take a look at this image to see what I mean.
Omen Pigeon - An Evil Bird That Finds its Way Home
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Do bird have pre-flight apps to check the “Feather” report before they set off?
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A pigeon appeared on my porch with a message around its leg.
I read the note as I shooed away the pigeon.
The note said, “I have lost my pigeon, please help me capture him.”
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“Omen Pigeon”
Either its a homing pigeon as described by somebody who drops their “H”s when they speak, or it is a bird that can see the future.
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I fired all my executives and hired pigeons.
I called a boardroom meeting and announced we should increase my wages by 200%.
They all nodded in agreement.
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The pigeons in my garden are thinking about taking over the state.
By the sounds of it, they are talking about a coo.
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To The Mathematicians Who Thought Of The Idea Of Zero
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To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing.
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I worked with my dog in the bomb disposal unit.
I was fired after teaching him to play fetch.
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When they train police dogs, why do they always show them attacking people with big rolls of carpet around their arms?
Just how many carpet stores are getting robbed these days.
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The horse head featured in the Godfather movie was a police horse.
He was working under cover.
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Why do they use police horses for crowd control?
Shouldn’t they use sheepdogs?
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Forever In The Friend Zone
She said she liked me lots and lots. She liked me so much that she wished I would marry her sister so she could see me all the time.
I showed up at her house with chocolates, flowers, and a bottle of whisky. I got a high five.
When you compliment a women while you are in the friend zone, and she gives out an "Awww." That is the sound of the friend zone prison door creaking shut again after you tried to escape.
I am so deep in the friendzone that I have met her boyfriend's parents.
I knew I was in the friend zone when she sent nudes but didn't bother to clean her bedroom first.
Just remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea...and there is also trash in the sea...lots and lots of trash.
I Was Fired For Getting Schwifty On My Desk
My dog left a deposit in a bank.
By which I mean, he got Schwifty and took a S**t on the floor.
Before Rick & Morty and Marvel, people used to turn off the show when the credits started.
When Morty stops playing “Roy,” Rick says, “55 years, not bad, but you kinda wasted your thirties though with that whole bird watching phase.”
One of the alternate lines from the writing team was, “55 years, not bad, its a shame you wasted 30 years chasing down your daughter’s killer.”
There are two retarded Rick characters, one who makes friends with Jerry, and one in the Citadel’s school. Did one of them become that way because he looked into the cursed microscope from the devil’s shop?
Rick gave me a prostate exam.
He stuck it waaaaaaay up.
In the universes where the Cronenberg problems were solved, was it the Meeseeks who solved it?
After releasing season 3, the Rick & Morty team said they would delay production of season four by five seconds every time somebody wrote “Pickle Rick” on the Internet. Two years later……
Feminists - Tammy is a strong, independent woman who is working to bring down the male patriarchy.
Man 1 - Who is Tammy?
Man 2 - The one who sucks bird dick.
What boob size does Morty love?
Awwwww Gs
Facebook Done Wrong
My dad is such a pessimist that I always borrow money from him, he never expects it back.
Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do.
If at first you don’t succeed, try skydiving.
Love my new book on glue, I couldn't put it down.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
How to Get More Instagram Followers to Promote Your Website
How to Get More Instagram Followers to Promote Your Website
Funny Ash Vs Evil Dead Lines
Ash vs Evil Dead (the TV show) is far better than it deserves to be. Here are a few funny lines from the series, but to be honest, seeing them written down is not nearly as funny as hearing the cast say them.
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Brujo: Come, I'll look inside of you.
Ash: Good, check the old prostate while you're in there?
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Pablo: Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said:
"Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge. If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will."
Kelly: Did you just Yoda quote me?
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Kelly Maxwell : Hey, I’m looking for a friend. He’s, uh, tall, dumb, smells like… bread. Um, oh yeah, chainsaw arm. Probably should’ve, led with that one, but…
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Kelly Maxwell : We all waste time. Important thing is, when we decide to stop.
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Chet: Dude, there's a chainsaw in my backseat.
Ash: Yeah, that's mine.
Chet: What's it for?
Ash: Um... ice sculpture?
Chet: Oh. And the shotgun?
Ash: Uh, that's mine, too.
Chet: What's that for?
Ash: In case they don't pay for the ice sculpture.
Email Or Bacon - My Car Can't Decide
Young boy seen walking on water
The pond was frozen
Kid makes a shocking discovery
After sticking a fork in a plug socket
Most gullible people do not know there is a spider on their arm
Riot at the monkey ballet
The crowd went ape
Man gives child jigsaw for Christmas
Kid saws off four fingers
I Love Everything About This Game Except...
His girlfriend asked him to be a caveman in the bedroom
So he painted on the walls.
I saw Jurassic park and wanted to be a Dinosaur.
I saw Captain America and wanted to be a hero.
I saw Twilight and wanted to be Buffy the vampire slayer.
I call my girlfriend Cinderella when she plays soccer.
She is always running away from the ball.
There is no future in archaeology.
God and the devil agreed to a game of football. God had all the best players because all good players go to heaven.
And yet the devil's team still won.
He had all the referees.
Focus, Make A Plan, Break It Into Steps, And Fail Just The Same
I used to be indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
I paid £300 to join the “Make a friend today”
I thought membership would be higher because the salesman said there was one born
Going to University doesn’t make you smart anymore than going to church makes you a vicar.
The more people I meet, the more I appreciate loneliness.
What did we call centipedes before we went metric?
Spam Advert With Low Expectations
I was having a bad day, but then I opened my email to find out Prince Narook of Nigeria has $1.5 million to give me. It was lucky really, I was going to delete that message.
I am going to become an air conditioning repairman. According to my spam emails, there are a lot of hot women in my area.
While looking up spam jokes for this blog post, over 19 websites asked me for my email address.
Does vegan marketing still include spam?
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect...
It Was Raining Cats and Dogs
Take 50 selfies to pick the best one, and then walk around looking like the other 49.
I knew my selfie was ugly when the Image optimization software made it darker.
My girlfriend asked if I would kiss her under the mistletoe.
I said I wouldn’t kiss her under anesthetic.
A day without sunshine is like last night.
The Game Was A Little Disappointing
It takes more muscles to frown than smile
Is that why overweight people are so jolly?
How do obese people make friends?
No, seriously, I’m getting lonely.
My friend died last night.
She didn’t reshare a post 15 times on Facebook.
The Constipated Accountant Couldn't Budget
As one butt cheek said to another, “Together we can stop this crap!”
Life is like toilet paper. Either you are on a roll, or you are taking crap from somebody.
The easiest way to tell if a woman is a natural ginger is to look at her hair. If she has dyed it black, then she is a natural ginger.
What is red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.
Bilbo Baggins had trouble making friends at school. He was one of the shyer kids.
Xander Lookalike Yearbook
I knew an astronaut once, but he was fired. It's a shame too--because he was going up in the world.
Black holes are most commonly found in black socks.
A neutrino walks into a bar… and keeps right on going …
The prices were so good, that I stole two.
I put camouflage gear on my cat, now I can’t find him.
Black holes are most commonly found in black socks.
A neutrino walks into a bar… and keeps right on going …
The prices were so good, that I stole two.
I put camouflage gear on my cat, now I can’t find him.
You Are Not Fat, You Are Just a Little Husky
I slept like a baby, I wet the bed.
Like I said to the police, if I am not suppose to sleep and drive then why do the seats recline all the way back?
I was so miserable when my girlfriend left, it was almost like she was still here.
Poundland…… Inflation proof???
I spent an hour the other day telling this fat guy I didn’t trust him…..it was my reflection.
My First Kiss
Quiet as a mouse??? Tell that to Walt Disney.
I asked the bank for some money, they said to come back when I don’t need it.
Sign language is very handy.
What do you call a guy named John that nobody talks to?……. Lonely.
I love those PPI phone calls I keep getting. So far I have signed up my ex, my neighbours and my local MP.
They Say Crime Doesn't Pay
They say crime doesn’t pay, but I steal from ATM’s
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Light travels faster than sound right? My light bulb buzzes.
I bought a new boxing game and smashed the screen. It beats the time I bought a darts game.
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